Sometimes I sit here looking at this screen and think that I should try and always be positive. I do try and do that most of the time, but it is hard.
The last few weeks have felt like a real battle, I constantly feel like I'm fighting against 100s of hidden forces that are pushing me backwards constantly, I can't seem to shake this feeling. It started just after new year with the loss of our first home, for those who read my post about buying a house will know how excited we were, but sadly fate stepped in and it wasnt meant to be. Since then, its been a real struggle to find somewhere we love, having found 3 places in as many weeks, we've missed out again due to other people paying more than the asking price. I don't even want to look at the moment, just when we start dreaming about the place, its snatched away again. Plus, people ask how we're getting on, and all I can do is say we're still looking, not found anywhere yet, but you can tell that they're not really bothered.
Coupled with this, I'm struggling with the blog, I want to blog so much, in the week I'm writing post after post to schedule, but I'm just not happy with the blog at the moment, I can't put my finger on it but something is not feeling right with it.
The pressure at school is really starting to ramp up, and I feel like I've suddenly forgotten how to teach. I stand there and have no idea what I'm doing, yet my class seem to be making progress. I'm constantly cross with them, fear someone walking in to observe me and dread any feedback as it just tears me apart. This is what teaching is at the moment, everyone judged, working ourselves into the ground and not getting any thanks for it.
To add to the list of things pushing down, last weekend we lost our little hamster, just writing this has me in tears, but when you tell people, they don't understand, she was just a hamster they tell me, but not to us, she was my company, someone to welcome us home every day, she is incredibly missed at the moment, I don't know when or if I will be ready to welcome home a new hamster, little Oreo has left an awfully big cage to fill.
All in all, I don't feel like me, I've been running at 50%, a lot of my old demons have reared their ugly heads again, and I feel very lost and flat. I'm hoping once February arrives that I will start to feel better, but I'm not rushing it, many long baths will be taken, yummy food eaten and lots of sleep needed to heal and get better again. Bare with me whilst I find who I am again.